working for the weekend

It's going to be a good week.  I really hope it is.  I'm working tonight from like 4 to 9 because I like Matt and he wanted an evening off.  I get to see Graham this week too, maybe twice, if Matt likes me as much as I like him and covers my shift on Friday so I can head to the coast.  Graham's hit four home runs in six games and I've missed every single one.  Makes me feel like crap for not being there.  At least it doesn't bother him all that much.  After that is just more work, Wednesday maybe, Thursday, Friday maybe, Saturday and Sunday of course.  My summer school job starts a week from today.  I'm not all that nervous, but I will be pretty soon I'm sure.  Teaching 5 year olds how to make cookies won't be so bad.  It's the 13 year olds and the fact that they're probably better than me already that scares me.  I'll survive.  For $2200 in six weeks, I'll survive.

My 21st is coming up at the end of the month.  I'm not all that terribly pumped.  I mean, it's exciting because my dad's buying me a bluetooth for my cell phone and my mom might get me an iPod, but other than that, eh it's just another birthday.  It might be because I have to teach class the next morning, and Graham won't be here.  Neither will Erica.  I'm going to try to head to the coast that day, too, because Graham has a game and that sounds fun.  You should come with me.  We'll make a party out of it.  Hooray.

what do May flowers bring?

It's been a while.  I apologize.

The twists and turns of life have been a-twisting and a-turning over the past few months.  I finished my first year at Fresno Pacific and the grades were so-so.  The English program is really great though, and I'm still very, very happy with my decision.  In March I started dating Graham and he's definitely why I've been so happy these days.  We became practically inseparable so him moving back to Tulare after classes ended was a little tough.  We're totally fine though and so exciting to watch our relationship develop.  He left for the summer today to play baseball on an independent league team in San Luis Obispo (oh I know, poor him) (slorattlers.com), so hooray for long distance UH-gain.  It won't be that bad though.  He'll be having a great time doing what he loves in about the best city to do it in (not to mention most of the away games are in Santa Barbara and Santa Maria), and I'll be busy working.  I'll see him every 10 days or so, so not a problem.

That leads me to work.  I got a job at the cafe in Barnes & Noble in Riverpark and I've been working at least 25 hours or so since early May right after I moved into my apartment.  Right now I'm living with Jan and Sara, but Sara is moving out when Katie gets back from Germany and they find their own place.  My new room mate Kristin is moving in when school starts.  It's a really nice 2 bed-2 bath in Sierra Meadows off Bullard and Blackstone.  It's pretty awesome (especially the having my own room and bathroom part).  

The end of June brings my 21st birthday.  Kinda excited about that.  I'm just excited about the excuse for spending time with my sister and then having an awesome weekend at the coast with Graham.  He really is fantastic.

K I'm done updating you.  I hate update blogs.  Sorry.  I'm going to try to post more often this summer now that I finally have internet again, so we won't have to do this every time.  Ok?  Ok.  Have a good one.

For once in my life

I'm beginning to see a trend in the events of my life. They never seem to turn out the way pop culture would like them to. For example, my 16th birthday, instead of at a spectacular Sweet 16 party or even a movie night with friends, was spent with my immediate family plus Grandpa Jack at Macaroni Grill with a bit of Cold Stone to follow. I never went to my high school's prom (ok, so I went to both Liberty's and Centennial's, but never made it to Shafter's) and I spent almost every night of senior year behind the counter scooping ice cream at Cold Stone. I went away to a school my parents picked for me and I didn't attend my first college "party" until early in my sophomore year. I learned quickly that that scene wasn't for me and entered a long-distance relationship that kept me locked up in my room either on the phone or crying about not being on the phone for most of my 19th year. I say all this now, and I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not, to emphasize my most recent spring break. I didn't have the tropical vacation or the crazy nights away from school, although it doesn't look like many of my friends did either. I went to Fullerton to see some old friends but ran into some drama that was unexpected and a little hurtful. I also visited a new friend while I was there, and that, though certainly the highlight of my trip, didn't pan out the way I'd expected it to either. I came home early and slept most of the time. I watched a lot of The Office and tried to bond with Abby, the new puppy that I've hated since the day I had to wash my new sheets three times because she "just got excited" and peed all over them.

I don't know why I'm writing this sad blog full of melancholy complaints. I'm not unhappy about anything... well except not being able to afford that apartment with Kim for next year. That kinda makes me sad. Other than that, I'm doing ok. I just didn't want to go to sleep yet and thought I'd write something. I apologize for the monotonous whining that this quickly became. So yeah...

Something I can't define

I kind of started writing my book late last semester. I'll write a book someday, and I might as well start now when my life is at least somewhat interesting. Instead of sitting down and developing this fabricated failure of a character and describing all the mishaps in her life, I've been journaling. I type out a paragraph, a sentence, a thought every couple of days. I've only let two people read it so far. Becca, who knows all of it anyway, and Lucas, who I think I will always love in some strange way, that foggy area between friends and lovers that can never be explained. That's how I'll love him. Anyway, I started writing my book, and I just wanted to share that with you.

I also cut my hair. I got real, legitimate bangs, and there's no point in me telling you this because whoever you are you've either seen me in person or the pictures on Facebook, but oh well. I decided I wasn't "indie" enough so I cut my hair like Kate Nash's and bought some bright colored tunic dress shirt things to wear with skinny jeans and flats. I'm not sure if I feel like that's bad or not. Is it wrong to want to change your style, or I guess it's more enhancing my style? Well, I did it. I hated the bangs, but they're growing on me, no pun intended.

This is a lame, non-philosophical blog, and I apologize. I'm supposed to write about 500 words for History of Theater tonight, but I don't want to. I wrote this piece of crap instead, and now I'm going to finish season 3 of Friends. It's not due until Friday. Sweet.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear

I cracked open my journal from early first semester, and fun blogs always come from the silliness found in old journals.





It's funny how much a blanket can make me smile. I don't have any deeply sentimental blankets anymore. I had one as a child, my blankee, that I carried with me everywhere I went, the picture never complete without my thump in my mouth and my bald Cabbage Patch doll tucked up under my arm. I made Brian a fleece blanket for Christmas last year. Though things have become something we never imagined, he says wrapping himself in that blanket is the closest he can get to me, so he does it every night. Shoot, I just like being warm. Blankets cradle me. I pull mine up to my chin every night, no matter the temperature. I find security in its shield from anything that lurks in the night. Most importantly, it keeps my feet warm, which is really what it all comes down to. They are a safe haven. I love them.
Someone to love is a blanket. I am afraid to brave the world without someone to hold my hand and protect me from the things that lurk in the night. It is something I'm growing accustomed to, this nakedness. I need to learn this. Some night the world will be sweltering and I will need to release that safety blanket and let the cool summer breeze roll over me. God is calling me to that right now. He has pulled back my blanket and is waiting for me to let Him wash over me.
...
I love blankets, I'm just wanting one to love me back.

If you never try

You ever met one of those people whose coolness is so infectious it almost forces you to become a better person? I know one of those people. I've only known him for a few months, and I don't know him terribly well (although I'd like to), but he's attacked me with this subliminal "Carpe Diem" mentality, and it makes me want to get out and experience something, anything real. It's safe to say I'm not very proactive. Until tonight I was perfectly fine with doing the same boring thing weekend after weekend and felt no shame in still complaining about never having any form of adventure in my life. This person, in 5 minutes, found at least 3 distinctly "Fresno" things for me to do, and with that between-the-lines force he uses (whether consciously or not), I was out doing something I'd never done by 8:00.

The second Friday of every month, I've come to discover, the Fresno Filmworks organization shows an independent or foreign film at the Tower Theatre in the Tower District. I like to take advantage of the little opportunities to impress this guy because he's much cooler than he thinks he is, so I grabbed my room mate, Tiffany, Katie the birthday girl, the ever amazing Sara, and of course Tom Wise (because what's a party without Tom Wise?) and headed to Olive and Wishon to see "Outsourced". This independent film was set in India about this guy who's "promoted" at his customer service firm in Seattle and sent to India to train the people who received all the outsourced jobs from the now eliminated United States facility. It was an awesome story of crossing cultures and experiencing the otherwise forgotten parallels in what looks like a completely different part of the world in so many ways. It was absolutely hilarious at times, too. Definitely something new and different, and so much better than laying around in my pajamas, making a Taco Bell run at 11 PM, and going to sleep early.

Experiencing life gives it purpose. The bed might be more comfortable, but how do you grow without vulnerability, without experiencing everything there is to see and feel, taking risks for the sake of finding something bigger? The movie didn't change my life, but it was a step in the right direction. I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it seems I'm sure, but it really was just an awesome experience.

Different names for the same thing

It's 2008. Has been for about an hour now. I passed up a couple of lame parties for a couple of lame reasons:
1. My parents are rather anal, and even though I'm now almost 21, I still have to follow their rules when I'm at home if I want them to continue to pay for my car, my phone, half of my education, etc. I want them to continue to pay for that, so I didn't drive anywhere tonight. Logical, I think.
2. I absolutely love my sister. I do. She's amazing. She thinks I talk her up too much so that when my friends finally meet her they're not too overly impressed, like they expect way too much and she lets them down. It's just because they don't know her like I do. I stayed home with her tonight and we made fudge and homemade cookies and watched Dick Clark and wanted to give him cocoa and let him go home and sleep, that poor, old man. It was awesome. We're gonna watch Scrubs on DVD now til we crash. Movie day tomorrow. She's a winner.
3. Erica wanted me to go with her to a party at 26-Year-Old's apartment, and, though I do greatly enjoy the company of my new friend 26-Year-Old, I wasn't down with a big group of his 20-something friends, half drunk and with no date. Who knows? Maybe some majorly charming, drunken stud was there and I just missed my shot at marrying a future Amazing Man. Really, I just didn't want to be stuck next to some drunk guy I just met around the time the ball dropped and be forced to kiss the guy. Yeah, a not so happy new year to me!

That being said, as I watched Dick Clark kiss his wife around 12:01, I came up with my New Year's resolution. I've never had a New Year's kiss. Actually I haven't really done any of those cliche' kisses like in the rain or on a plane... or with a guy named Jane... ok I needed a rhyme. Anyway, New Year's resolution, terribly lame, but hey, it's what I would like to happen in 2008: I want a New Year's kiss. Not with some guy named Chris that I met around 8:00 that night. I want it to be with somebody I care about, someone I know. I'm not looking at it as like a requirement or a major goal I'm going to make happen. It's just what I'm hoping for. It'll happen. Someday. When it does, it better be damn good because this hopeless romantic is a little tired of getting shafted.